


five times he calls it love

by bethejerktomybitch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brotherly Love, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Dean Winchester loves a handful of people, F/M, John Winchester Being an Asshole, M/M, Protective Bobby Singer, and they all die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-16 09:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8097274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethejerktomybitch/pseuds/bethejerktomybitch
Summary: the first time he calls it love the world around him is ablazethe second time he calls it love he doesn’t actually call it lovethe third time he calls it love time is a messthe fourth time he calls it love he knows from the start it’s too good to last and the fifth time he calls it love he is falling without even realizing it





	

**one**

the first time he calls it love the world around him is ablaze

his father is screaming at him

_(go dean go)_

and the fire is roaring upstairs it’s tearing the house apart and he knows his mother is still somewhere in here and he’s only four but there is a small bundle in his arms and he has to protect it no matter what happens

_(take you brother out here as fast as you can)_

he runs until his knees give in and looks at the house that was once a home and is now a fiery hell against the dark blue november sky

mummy, he whispers but the flames are too loud he can barely hear his own voice and the night is so very cold so he clutches little sammy in his blanket tighter

i love you sammy, he says because that’s was his mum always told him when he was scared and it always made everything better but the house is still ablaze and his mum still isn’t coming back and sammy’s crying and nothing is better

(his father later tells him that love is a weakness)

* * *

 

**two**

the second time he calls it love he doesn’t actually call it love

not out loud

he thinks it still counts though

because bobby is more of a father to him than john ever was

_(i adopted two boys and they grew up great)_

he feels bad when john dies because he doesn’t grief as much as he should and that night he imagines what it would be like if bobby died and his grief turns into full out desperation and the next day he trashes his impala

bobby tells him it’s okay and helps him fix the car and he’s also there when dean goes to hell and almost breaks the world and he always believes in him

_(they grew up heroes)_

but dean has never called it love and when he’s standing in that hospital floor bobby’s blood on his hands he wonders if his unspoken confession is a stain he won’t ever get out

(he is not a hero)

* * *

 

**three**

the third time he calls it love time is a mess

he meets his father and he is younger than dean is and also more carefree than he has ever seen him and than would be enough to blow his mind but then he sees mary and his heart stops in his chest

because she is real and there and not just a blurry childhood memory and even though she doesn’t know who he is he just looks at her smile and listens to her talking about the life she has imagined for her and John and their children

_(the very worst thing is for my children to be raised into this)_

dean wants to believe that he can alter the past

he wants to believe that if he just manages to kill the demon before it gets to her everything will be fine and sammy and him will have a normal and happy childhood and he won’t have to see so many people he loves die

and he tries he tries so hard

_(on november 2 1983 don’t get out of bed)_

but she does get out of bed

(he always fails)

* * *

 

**four**

the fourth time he calls it love he knows from the start it’s too good to last

lisa’s a good girl and ben’s a good boy and he knows very well that he’s far from good but sammy’s in hell and he needs someone to be there

_(me and ben will be here)_

they represent all the things he can never have but still he makes sure to tell them that he loves them as often as he possibly can because some part of him knows that he will lose them again

he does

_(it’s not your mum ben)_

and it’s his fault because he was holding on to desperately so he lets go entirely and it hurts like hell

(this is not metaphorical)

* * *

 

**five**

and the fifth time he calls it love he is falling without even realizing it

cas pulls him from hell out of the flames that seem to slowly consume his whole life

_(i’m the one who grabbed you tight and raised you from perdition)_

and dean doesn’t think anything about it because he’s bound to feel some kind of affection for the angel who saved him and also cas might be their only shot at stopping the apocalypse

because cas is willing to sacrifice anything and everything for dean

_(i did it all of it for you)_

dean forces himself to think of them as nothing more as friends he just can’t lose another person he loves and it works for a while

but then there are those few agonizing hours when he thinks cas is dead and then he isn’t and the words start pouring from his lips

i love you i love you i love you he says over and over again and cas just stares at him with his blue eyes like the november sky so many years ago

time stops

and then cas kisses him and everything is a blur and when their lips part and they are both gasping for air dean whispers

i’m cursed

but cas just smiles and kisses him again

_(i’d rather have you cursed or not)_


End file.
